Another „Hello, World!”: A Programmer in the Process of Personal Growth
Once again, I am embarking on a major change in my life, wondering how I can adjust my approach to make these transitions a bit more friendly.
Planning changes has never been my strength. For a long time, I sought my place in life – whether in education, relationships, or professionally. This search often meant reacting to life events and asking myself: Is this my path? My last significant change – starting career in IT – was the result of reflection after a major life misfortune, rather than a planned process of transformation.
However, once the earthquake passed and I regained my strength, I faced the necessity of making some changes again. This time, I concluded that I now have enough input data to not only determine what I don’t want but also define what I do want.
The Sturm und Drang Period
My Sturm und Drang period of choosing my life path began in high school, peaking when I had to select subjects for my final exams and, later, decide on a field of study. My interests leaned toward political science, journalism, and theology. Conversations with people and wandering around universities led me more toward economics. Psychology became sort of a happy accident that gave me a sense of purpose. The noble part of me wanted to help people, however the pragmatic part realized that being involved in someone’s process is very taxing, especially in public healthcare work – which I would be stuck in for years while becoming fully fledged therapist.
Finding my path took me a lot of time. A significant obstacle was the anxiety caused by the crushing belief that I must know what I want, yet I didn’t. Later, it became the belief that I must grab any opportunity because I’d spent too much time searching.
This process was not helped by the influence of my parents’ opinions or the realization of my personal limits. My parents dismissed the idea of political science. Journalism fell out of favor after years of practice, hosting internet radio shows, and observing how enshitiffication overtook journalism, turning articles into clickbait rather than reliable, enriching content. Writing books was set aside as I realized that my writing about spirituality wouldn’t gain traction, and I didn’t want to write about other topics then.
These reflections revealed what I didn’t want in life, but each successive grounded dream didn’t bring me closer to answering what I want. Blind alleys left me feeling trapped in a cycle of wrong decisions, unable to find my place.
A Recurring Life Theme
Programming returned to my life with a certain regularity. The first time was when I considered not going to university at all, instead starting work and learning to code. My parents, however, weren’t thrilled by the idea of not pursuing higher education.
The second attempt came during a gap year after my third year of studies, when I decided to give it another shot. I took advanced exams in math and physics and attempted computer science as well. My results weren’t bad—over 50%, except for computer science, which didn’t go well. Well… it didn’t go at all. What hurt more than the poor result was the reprimand from my computer science teacher, who scolded me for wasting the examiners’ time.
That episode was the most dramatic. Other attempts, like attending vocational school to become an IT technician or dabbling in PHP and JavaScript, didn’t stick either. Debugging difficult code often discouraged me. Other interests, such as fencing and the prospect of becoming an instructor or coach, also caught my attention. So there was books writing, journalism, hopes for copywriting, and the realization that writing on demand killed my joy for writing.
Eventually, as I chose to become an addiction therapist, I realized I couldn’t keep working where I was, banging my head against the wall. Anyone who has worked in public healthcare knows what I mean. The lack of time between patients- even to visit the restroom, let alone eat – combined with the mismatch between the expectations placed on me as a therapist and the support provided to meet those expectations, led me to seek change.
In a state of chaos and panic, searching for something that still interested me professionally, I found myself in IT. Along the way, I faced several personal earthquakes. Only in recent weeks have I found some stability, a willingness to make decisions, and a sense of readiness. My emotions have settled, I’ve worked through some of my anxiety, and two key reflections remain.
First, the journey of seeking a life path is interesting, and I regret only some of my choices. The variety of experiences has shaped me, showing me who I can be, who I am, what I like about myself, and what I want to improve.
Second, programming is my thing. It’s a passion strong enough to withstand doubts, bad market conditions, and personal weaknesses I can now identify and address.
Born to Code?
The three years I’ve spent in IT have been marked by chaos. On one hand, I quickly found a job, learned a lot, and could tackle some challenges faster with tools like ChatGPT. I attended meetups and industry conferences. On the other hand, layoffs hit me hard, forcing me to return to freelancing. Reflecting on this period, I realized that my growth had been held back by a lack of understanding of how to learn programming effectively and a lack of direction for building a career.
Despite the crises, I’m still here, taking steps to organize my development and define where I want to go.
Sometimes I wonder if this is a return to the passion I had in elementary and middle school—solving math problems. That passion disappeared along the way, perhaps because I wanted to explore other directions, due to societal perceptions of women in tech, or the lack of support amidst family struggles, leaving my energy focused on survival rather than systematically improving in math and coding.
I sometimes ask myself what might have been if I’d discovered earlier how much I love the mathematical / logical view of the world. Would my life have been easier if I’d stood my ground instead of following others’ advice? It’s hard to accept that even then, I would have faced challenges. Only different one.
Still, I focus more on the idea that it’s (almost) never too late to change. I’m fortunate to have had the privilege of searching for myself and finding enough of myself to settle down.
A Fresh Perspective
Three years is both a lot and a little.
It’s enough to better understand the IT industry, test different tasks, discover what I like and what I’d rather avoid, gain experience, build a portfolio, and learn how to recognize and prevent burnout.
Yet it’s little enough to still not know many things, to maintain enthusiasm and spontaneity that I want to nurture, and to know that I can still walk away without regret if this isn’t my path…
…or stay, working hard and hoping that what’s tangled will soon unravel, allowing me to confidently say that I’ve found my place in the world.